Life is a Ticket to the greatest show on Earth

So looking back on the past, it's a hard thing to do on certain aspects. In the past Ten years of my life I have grown so much. I have learned to appreciate many things that life has thrown at me. Let's start with the people in my life. Just like everybody else, I thought that the friends I made in high school would be my friend's forever!! WOW was I wrong. Let's see I talk to two of them which I just recently started hanging out with them. I guess when you start to grow up thing's and people change. But that's not always a bad thing. You learn to walk in your own shoe's instead of walking in a pack with your friend's. You learn your own boundaries, goal's, morale's and most of all you start to learn who you are.
    
  As the path of life widens you get to start making more choice's for yourself. Which by this point we all know isn't always so fun. You get to make new friend's choose who you hang out with. What time you get to go to bed, what your going to eat, where your going to work and how to keep a straight head in it all. Picking your friend's is most important. Because true friendship is hard to come by. When you find it hold on to it tight. For many year's I thought I had the greatest friend ever. I would have done anything for this person. But as life has it, it's time to move on. Life threw us both curve ball's and we failed to swing at any of them. So Eleven years of my life I have put into this friendship, just for it to blow away in the wind!!! When you can quote your "Best friend" I use that term loosely saying that they HATE YOU, and you are the biggest bitch. I think it is safe to say it's time to just stop fighting and let go. It's funny though how you think someone is your friend, than you find a true friend and realize that what you thought was true wasn't anything at all.

   I've come to term's that life doesn't always happen the way you expect it to. However you have every right to choose how you act when the moment approaches you. The Best of Time's is NOW. Look at what life has to offer you. Don't worry about the things or people you have lost for it happens for a reason. If they can not accept you for who you are than you have no room in your life for them. But don't change for anybody just be you. If at the end of the day they hate you for that than by god almighty they DO NOT LOVE YOU or RESPECT YOU. So kick them to the curb!!!!!
    

It's time to show the world who I am

Let's take this back to December of 2011 when I told my Best friend that I like girl's. The first word's out of her mouth were "Shanae you have been working a lot of over time are you sure your not just super tired?" Well let me think about that......NO I may be super tired but I know what I'm telling you right now. I serious when I say I LIKE GIRL'S. So time went really slow from that point on knowing that one person in my life knew what I was feeling. Out with the old and in with  the New Year!!! Things changed super fast in my life. I had a boyfriend to ring in the New Year with, even though I was so disgusted with him and myself just for the fact that I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It was just a show for everyone else in my life. They wanted to see me happy and in love, so that's what I gave them. At the end of the day I was so depressed and lonely, that it was hard to get out of bed. As the day's went on I started finding out who the real me was. I was starting to feel brave and creative about my new life style.
That I wanted more people to know who I really was and how I felt.

      The first Girl knocked me off my feet for a short period of time and when I say short I really do me short. I knew in my heart she wasn't the one for me but I'll give the girl credit she's hot! She gave me what i needed to start my adventures into a whole new world. As time passed I wanted more people to know, so I didn't feel like I was still hiding. I found myself telling my closest friends. Some were shocked and some were like you gotta do what you gotta do girl. Than there were others who just didn't know how to take it at all. From that point on i decided to surround myself only by people who loved me for me. If you couldn't take the news than I'm sorry that you turned around and gave me a cold shoulder. Let me tell you how much you are missing out on though. I put my life on a misson mindset that I was going to follow through with this no matter what I came across. I was starting a whole new life style. I spent the next month doing something active everyday to make myself happy and to continue with a new me. I set up new adventures with new people and found out who I was ment to be.

    It's taken me 26 years to find the REAL me but it's better late than never. I met a few girls had a few drinks just did me for once. THAN my life got crazy!!! I met this girl who took me by surprise right off the get go. We started out by texting wee hours in the morning, I found myself wanting to know every little detail about her. A few day's had passed and we started to talk on the phone for hours at a time, I knew something was different about this because I was going to work with 1 to 2 hrs of sleep a day and felt just fine. I couldn't wait to hear from her, as soon as I heard her ringer go off in my pocket I would get this huge smile. Everyone knew that ringer belonged to someone special. After many sleepless nights countless texts neither one of us wanted to wait another day before we met. If that wasn't an adventure I don't know what was. Thee entire 40 min drive to go see her I was so scared and nervous that I wanted to stop along every mile and throw up!!! But don't worry I didn't. We met at the gas station so I could follow her to her house, the moment I first seen her I thought she was so beautiful! I was a nervous wreck clear up to the point when she reached over to hold my hand! I felt my whole world come to a complete stop. Everything was crystal clear at that moment. Things were happening that I have never felt before. So I knew at that very second that this I what I should have been doing my entire life!!

      Let's move this right along to the current time frame. I knew this relationship was going somewhere. I also knew that I couldn't move any further into it until my family knew I liked girls. I decided to be brave enough to send some texts to my brother and a letter to my dad. Well I knew the text to my brother would blow up in my face not shocked on that one. My Dad however took this worse than I thought. For those of you who don't know my dad WAS my hero my best friend. I talked to him just about everyday. It's been about two months since he has spoken to me. If he sees me in a room I think he pretends that I'm not there. He won't look at me, speak to me not even a head nod. I have lived my entire life trying to make him proud of me. His famous words are do what makes you happy. Well I'm doing what makes me happy and you have turned your back to me. But I have also learned that I can't please everyone and at the end of the day as long as I'm happy than nothing else matters!! so you continue spending your time being mad at me, I will spend my time doing what makes me happy!!! If at any point you find that you can't handle this news feel free to kick rocks and step out of my life. I don't have time for your negative comments!!!!!!!!!

Resentment....

I have lived the majority of my life resenting the people who have hurt me. It's time to let go of the pain and criticism that I live with day in and day out! It all started when I was just a wee little tot. Just like any other kid in the neighborhood,life appeared to be great. I went to school played with the kids (which at that time i thought were my friends) the same thing everyday,life was so easy than. The years passed and before I knew it I was a teenager. This is the part of life where it gets rough for most people. Growing up and changing inside and out is kind of confusing. Well i don't really remember that part of my life, for the fact that i was dealing with something bigger in my life. I had to grow up fast take charge of the things that were going on in my life. As all the other teenagers were living a carefree life. I had to worrie about my mother. If she was going to make it through the day without hurting herself, or if I was going to come home to see that shes not there because she ran away, having to help her clean up blood because God told her to cut herself, my 13th birthday she ran away and my party got cancelled. Moments i remember just like they were yesterday. I could go on for many pages of the pain i felt and went through. Most of the world would say oh I have been through much worse than this. Well I am sorry for everything that you have been through, however this is what i went through and still live with the thoughts of everything that happened on a daily basis.
    I just want to let go of it all and be done with it. PLease don't get me wrong I love my mother and everything that she has done for me! They say everything happens for a reason and if i didn't have to go through that i wouldn't be the person that I am today rather it be good or bad I am who am and thats all I can be.